This isn’t actually the blog post I’ve been writing tonight. This isn’t a blog post that I had any intention of writing. I’ve been sat typing out a new post for the past couple of hours. An easy post. But it’s taken me two hours to write about two minutes of content. I’ve had to stop myself from hitting the delete button a fair few times. I don’t know if the writing is poor or if my head’s not in it, so for now that post can sit in my drafts. Maybe tomorrow’s fresh eyes will be more forgiving of today’s fumbled words.
Today is a grey day. I’m not blue but I’m not myself either. It’s a hard one to describe. I have absolutely no reason to feel down. I have the best friends and the best family. I’m on a course next week which I’m pretty excited for. Man I’m going to Iceland next month, an absolute dream come true. There are so many good things coming up and I am beyond grateful for them. But today I woke up feeling grey.
That’s a lie actually. I woke up today and I thought I was okay. I was bubbly, I was joking around with my family. But then something clicked. No trigger. Nothing said. But the grey came nonetheless. It’s not so much an “everything is terrible” nor “woe is me” moment. Today it felt like an overwhelming pressure in my head. A physical feeling that stemmed from absolutely nothing at all. A head full of grey that felt like it could explode at any moment.
When I feel like this I am an arsehole. There’s no other word for it. I need to be alone. The only problem is, when your family realise that you’re not quite yourself, they don’t want you to be alone. They want to check in. They want to care. They are so full of love and kind heartedness. But. I. Am. An. Arsehole. When I’m an arsehole I can barely muster a grunt of acknowledgement. I sure as hell can’t hold a conversation. My head is a pressure cooker and too much interaction could be very much catastrophic. So in trying to avoid exploding at anyone who is only deserving of the nicest words and actions, I just have to be an arsehole. Mad, right? I swear there’s logic there somewhere. Sorry mum.
Full disclosure, I’ve already cried once whilst writing this post. I’ve not cried at all today up until this point. Again, I have absolutely no reason to cry – Jesus Christ Gemma – but here we are. I’ve always found something incredibly cathartic about writing since day dot. I was the kid who wrote stories and poems all through first and middle school. Percy the Rabbit That Couldn’t Hop? Absolute classic guys, seriously.
Sometimes the only way to make sense of everything you’re feeling is to write it down. When I was first diagnosed with depression I wrote. I was always sh*t at talking about my feelings. I went through months of talking therapy with a counsellor who was absolutely amazing, and I’ll never be able to thank her enough for that, but writing has always been my go-to.
I wrote poems every day in some of my darkest days. How lame does that sound? I jUsT hAVe A lOt Of FeELiNgS oKaY gUyS.. It was never something I planned to do. I just had a lot of words buzzing around my head and I needed to get them out. waves_ofemotion. I put them all up there for the world to see. I don’t really know why, but I do know that I like being able to look back on them every now and then. They stir up some crazy cocktail of emotions inside me, but it’s nice to reflect on how far I’ve come.
Anyway I’m rambling. I don’t know what the point of this post is. At this point I don’t even know if I’m going to publish it. I just know that in this moment, this tapping of keys is freeing up some space in my head. Finding the tiniest gap to push back against the pressure.
I slept a lot today. I tried to be productive (whilst shut away from the world), but in the end the pressure in my head won and I gave in. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an absolute Nap Queen, but this was different. At one point I woke up to find my dog asleep at my feet. What a babe. When I woke up properly the grey had lifted a little. I mean it was still there – it’s still there now just niggling away at the back of my mind – but it’s not stifling. I could actually crack a smile without feeling like my head would crack open and all the grey would pour out. I could apologise for being an arsehole – albeit still with no reason why.
Today was grey but that doesn’t mean tomorrow will be. Today was grey but that doesn’t mean that I’m taking two hundred steps back. It just is what it is.
Today was grey and that’s okay. (#ImAPoetAndIDidntEvenKnowIt #Bantz)
Thanks for humouring me to the end of whatever this is. Much love x
eco worrier life 